đ JUST ASK âTWO QUESTIONSâ TO REPAIR A RELATIONSHIP-Issue 187
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Rarely people appreciate the need for ongoing relationship-maintenance. Every day brings with it small challenges like :â disappointments, frustrations, irritations. These emotions can come between most ostensibly committed partners/ lovers and are capable of wearing out their sincerity of connection. People do end up furious with each-other, without knowing they are so or alienated without any conscious awareness of their distress.
The first moment there is an inkling that something is wrong (perhaps very wrong) is when we look over at our partners one evening over dinner and register that their heart is numb, that they feel nothing, that they seem quite mysteriously to have fallen out of love.
These mysterious closures of the heart are not given an enough attention in our daily lives. We seldom realise that they are the result of slow, silent accumulation of silt in the arteries of love made up of little let-downs that have not been resolved close enough to the time of their genesis.
To prevent the risks, people in love should regularly make room to ask themselves in a calm spirit of gentle openness and curiosity these two ostensibly simple, yet hugely central and effective, questions:-đ
Why are you angry with me and what is it all about?
How have I scared you recently?
Letâs be honest out here - Without meaning to, we are constantly angering our partners by not being more of who they would hope us to be. Sometimes their expectations are reasonable; at other times, they would themselves admit of putting certain expectations that no human could possibly fulfil. But in both cases, it is critical that the anger that has arisen can be divulged and heard.
What matter is that even if people in love do see or have thousand flaws, so long as they allow each-other to share their bitter disappointment that they have them
It is of a surprisingly high value to know that how much we can forgive someone who wonât be defensive when we outline what is less than optimal about life around them.
We donât need flawless love; we need repeated opportunities to be listened to when we lament its absence.
In answer to the first question, I might explain by saying that weâve been a stickler for manners and that we judge others so harshly. To my mind there is no need not get angry while we divulge our anger. We donât need solutions or magical answers either. What counts is that we have a chance to let go of our let-downs in an atmosphere of understanding and mutual apology. Trust me, it works wonders.
Similarly, in answer to the second question, I would say - love can be subtly choked by fear. Irrespective of our realisations, we do scare our partners all the time. By being unreasonable, by being messy, by being unreliable. Fear erodes the trust and our small vulnerable version lurks in a need for someone in whom we can choose to invest. There is a little child in us looking for a safe heaven and probably privately recoils when our partners raises their voice with us or didnât come home when they said they would.
Once more, what matters isnât that we never cause an upset but that we should hear a lover out politely when they tell us sweetly we have done so.
We must choose to carry out the routine maintenance of our relationships. We donât have to dread the mysterious end of relationships so long as we can regularly muster the courage to accept how much we may have angered and frightened those whom we are committed to loving.
Take good care & enjoy reading this week's dose of âMindful Productivity & Cerebral Happinessâ.
Joe
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There exists a special variety of people also- You may do anything for them, but still can't make them happy for you. In such cases stop bothering about their unhappiness, that will not make you happy, but at least will not add to your unhappiness.....